Faith, hope, and loss.

So, not all of my posts are pregnancy related. This is one of them. What I'm about to share is very very personal, and it's not something I've talked about with a lot of people. I've been through years of therapy after some very traumatic events in my life, and my current and very amazing counselor told me that sharing may be a helpful form of therapy as well as closure... So here I go. *Word vomit alert!*

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, and every person is different thus causing everyone to handle things differently and react to things differently. What one person may find traumatic, another may not. However, being that there are so many degrees and drastic differences between life traumas, trauma is still trauma when it affects a person's life. This means mental stability, physical stability, emotional stability, or even spiritual stability. There are so many things that can change in a persons life... but the best part about it is that even when things truly suck and you feel like you've hit rock bottom, God is always stable. He is always there, and He will never leave you. Even when you feel like you can't do it and you can't move on, or you choose not to walk with Him because you're angry at Him, He is a gracious God and His love for you will always prevail.

Although I'm only 23, I've experienced a wide array of events in my life. A lot of bad, and a lot of good! It could have always been worse for me... but it wasn't. God has given me what I can handle. For that, I am eternally grateful. I haven't always handled things beautifully and graciously, but that's because I'm human and I am by nature, a sinner.

I am in no way trying to get my "preacher" hat on, but that's simply because my walk with God has been a roller coaster. I've always felt His presence in my life, but I've not always followed Him or listened to Him. However, He's never failed me and He's always been there to carry me when I couldn't go any further.

The first time he carried me through difficult times was with my dad. My dad couldn't have been a better father. He loved me unconditionally, and I was not his biological daughter. I never considered that though. He was my dad, and I was his daughter. That's all there was to it in my mind. He made me feel like a princess and I will never forget that. Every girl needs to feel that at some point in her childhood.

When I was ten (in 1998), my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. Actually, he had a lot of cancers. I don't even know the full extent of it as I was not quite old enough to understand it all. I just knew that cancer meant an untimely death.

It wasn't long before my father passed away. He passed roughly two months after we all found out he was sick. It was shocking, and fast... yet so slow. Each day he grew sicker and weaker. But the good part about it all, was even though I was there to witness him succumbing to cancer, I still could only see my dad in the way he was before the cancer. I think that this knowledge would comfort him. As a parent now, I surely would never want my kids to see me that way, or remember me like that in my last days. It's amazing how gracious God is when he forms a child's mind... perhaps it was a coping mechanism. Regardless, I still remember him before it all and that's what counts.

It's hard when you lose a parent as a child. You're old enough to understand that you've lost a parent, but you're still too young to understand how.

I'm honestly not sure which is worse. Knowing you are about to lose someone you love at any moment, or having them taken away from you suddenly and swiftly... before there's even any time to think about it or react.

Unfortunately I've experienced both. Three years later my life was turned upside down yet again.

On October 16th 2001, I experienced what seemed like a horrible nightmare. I came home from school and my mom was sleeping. She came home early from work because she was too sick to finish her shift. Randy (my mom's fiance) was home and greeted my sister and me when we got off the bus. The afternoon carried on like usual. We did homework, watched our afternoon tv shows, and ate dinner. I still remember the events that unfolded next fairly vividly in my head.

Randy ran into my moms bedroom quickly and very suddenly. My sister was upstairs playing in her room completely oblivious. I thank God for this. Randy ran out and told me to call 911. I had no idea why, I just did it. He was on the phone with dispatchers and I just remember walking in cautiously as I had no idea what was wrong with my mom. All I will say is that I saw her, and it was clear to me that she was gone. It truly amazes me that when a person dies, you can literally see that their spirit is gone and no longer within the confines of their body.

At some point, Randy was able to call our neighbor, Lorraine. She was a nurse, and we were fairly close with her family. She showed up quickly without hesitation. I will never forget the look on her face as she burst in the door. She was a hero to me that day. I was relieved to see her (and her husband Eric). I felt a sense of security and stability in the unthinkable situation I was in.

I quickly found myself whisked away as paramedics, fire fighters and all sorts of emergency responders arrived. I don't know when or how, but I ended up on the outside looking in as Eric took my sister and me back to their house away from the scene.

Medics were able to revive my mom. It took a few tries from what I've been told, but they did. Unfortunately though, my mom had been oxygen deprived for such a long time that she could no longer think or function as a normal human being.

The next day, my sister and I went to school and tried to retain that last little bit of normalcy that remained in our lives. I got to school, and was immediately embraced by one of my best friends, Kara. I couldn't even choke out the words to say to her. She was very close to my mom, and naturally felt deep concern and desperation as she tried to find out what had happened. I couldn't talk to anybody. Everybody looked at me, and everybody wanted to know.

I don't remember much of that day... or the days that followed. Just bits and pieces. I think I spent most of my time at the hospital holding on to the tiniest bit of hope I still had. I was in an awkward place in my life. At 13, I was able to understand what was happening, but I just couldn't process it as an adult would. I went through so many emotions at that point in time. Hope, frustration, anger, sadness, and even physical pain as my heart ached so badly. I remember walking the halls of the hospital trying to think things out... it didn't work. I just walked and walked and walked and walked. Every so often I would go back and sit by my mom's side, beg for a miracle, and beg her to wake up. I don't even know how long I was at the hospital. I do know I stayed a night.. maybe two. I can't even be sure.

A few days later, my family had to make the one decision that nobody should ever have to make. Prolong my mother's life as long as possible even though there was no hope of her regaining any kind of brain function, or discontinue the life support and let her go.

We let her go.

After the nurses unplugged the machines and took out all the tubes and IV's, a select few of us were allowed to enter the room and sit by her side as her body shut down. As I reflect on those last moments with her, I can't honestly say who was there with me. I don't know. It was such a blur at that point I can't even be sure I'm giving accurate details to this story. I just remember holding her hand and feeling the thickness in the air. It felt like overwhelming amounts of love and support mixed with intense pain and sorrow. I held her hand the whole time. I remember watching the monitor hoping that by the grace of God her heart would just pick up and keep beating. It got slower and slower until it stopped completely. Hearing her take her last breath, and the sound as she flat lined were probably the worst sounds I've ever heard. At the same time, it was somewhat affirming to me. After a minute or so, the nurse graciously turned off the monitor. There was no need to remind us that she was gone... It was obvious. I had already been by her side to witness it twice. I don't even know how long it was before we had to leave. I just knew I didn't want to because that meant it was time to take that first step towards moving on. I wasn't ready... but is anyone ever ready to move on?

Both of my parents were now gone. I had no idea where I was going to go next. As a child, there's nothing worse after tremendous loss than feeling the insecurity of not knowing who is going to care for you next.

Time went by and I stayed with Randy for a short while longer. Things got rocky as my family tried to deal with everything after my mom passed. It's never easy for a family to figure things out. There's always a lot of turmoil and tension when tragedy hits.

After the dust settled, my sister went to live with my aunt Lynne, and I went to live with my aunt Lorraine. Despite the fact that my WHOLE family did a lot of grieving, and a lot of unfortunate events took place when I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, I'm truly grateful to them and they are so very dear to me. I love them so very deeply, but it just wasn't the place God had in store for me. I needed to be with my sister because God had another path for me there.

God has gotten me through so much in my life, and I am so grateful for Him. Although I've not been a perfect person, and I've had my falling outs with God, He still loves me and still provides for me. He meets every need I have and I couldn't be more blessed with where I'm at now. I have a beautiful family of my own, and family on both sides that love me dearly and support me in everything I do. I could not be more grateful for them.

I did not write this to receive pity or any kind of sympathy. I simply decided that it was time to share my life experiences, and to share how God has carried me through all of my life's trials and tribulations. I do not want sympathy, only a hearing heart to take in my story and for all my readers to remember who they are in Christ no matter where they've been in life. I am finally at a place now where I am happy to talk about my mom and what happened to her. I am happy to talk about my dad and his hard fight with cancer. When it comes up, it no longer pains me to the point that I have to change the conversation so I don't have to face reality.

If any one of you ever find yourself in a similar situation, perhaps this Bible verse will help you as much as it has helped me throughout the years. I have found myself referring back to this verse many many times throughout the years... I feel like everyone who delves into Gods word has some sort of go-to verse, so here's mine:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."- Isaiah 41:10

God bless, all of you!