Grief. Such a profound word.. and so undefinable. It's so many different things to so many different people.
I'm finding myself pondering the meaning of that word as the anniversary of my fathers death has come and gone, and the anniversary of my mother's death is rapidly approaching. What does it really mean to grieve over someone? What does it look like? How should it feel?
It's been 14 years since my dad died and 11 since my mom died and I still have not yet figured that one out. I probably never will. But I do know one thing... there is no right way, and there is no true definition to that word. Grief is unique to everyone. Anyone who has experienced trauma, loss, heartache... they all experience grief and all its different forms.
I've never really been able to identify all the parts of the grief cycle I've been on, because I've been on a lot of them multiple times. Lately, I have started noticing myself becoming increasingly emotional, reclusive, irritable, overwhelmed, and even kind of sickish... it got me thinking, and I realized that these are things I experience every year at this time.
One thing that people need to understand about grief, is that even when many years pass after a traumatic experience or the loss of a loved one, the sting never goes away. There's always a tender spot left in place of that one situation, thing or person you grieve for.
That tender spot for me is a little extra tender in one particular area.. I struggle with thinking about the "what-ifs"... What If my parents were still here? What would it have been like to see my parents with their grandkids? I know my parents would love my husband and I wish they could have met him. I always wonder what it would have been like to have my dad give me away at my wedding, or to have my mom by my side at the births of my children. Would the birth of my son have played out differently if she were there too? What I wouldn't give to have seen her face as she witnessed her grandchildren take their first breaths.
Those are tough things to swallow... But the more time I spend praying for peace in my heart, processing the happenings, and reflecting on things that I wish I could have had, the closer I get to accepting the things that have happened and the things I cannot change.
Honestly, that's all anyone can do.. is pray. God will heal all hearts and make us whole again. He's working in me every day.
Today He gave me a subtle yet beautiful reminder of His amazing love. I was sitting in Bible study, and I can't remember exactly what we were discussing, but something triggered a flashback of the traumatic events that led to my moms death, and I was overwhelmed. I could have lost it and broke down in tears right then and there, but I could almost physically feel the arms of Christ wrapped around me. I was no longer overwhelmed with sadness, but overwhelmed with peace. Jesus loves us deeper than human comprehension, and that is amazing to me. Sometimes the hardships in our life allow for the best opportunity for the Holy Spirit to work in our lives and change our hearts. All of that... it's amazing because we are so undeserving.
Remembering my parents, and clinging to my hope in the Lord.. that's enough. More than enough.
So while I spend this time remembering, sorting through some tender areas, and processing everything, I'm going to be thankful for everything I have, the amazing people I call friends and family, and the many blessings in my life... and I'm going to celebrate. The fact that I've been given all of these things, and that our lives don't have to end here on earth is absolutely incredible... and it's something to celebrate that my parents are with the Lord. That is grace, mercy, and love all in one perfect gift.
I do hope that by reading this you have been blessed by it. Love and many blessings to you dear readers! God bless!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day.
This quote has always been near and dear to my heart, even more so now that I'm a mother myself. This quote is from Winnie the Pooh. My mom and I used to watch Winnie the Pooh, and we read the books too. It has always stuck with me, and it's the one special thing that I've held onto and shared with my own children. In a way, I feel like I'm that much closer to my mom when I relive it with my own babies.
It's things like that... those things that you carry with you, and remember about your parents... the good times, and the special little things you did together.
Mother's day is a tough time for me. I have a love/hate relationship with this particular holiday (father's day too). I absolutely LOVE celebrating all of the wonderful moms in my life... (and I have many! for that I am sooo thankful!) and I love being celebrated as a mother myself... but it's the moments when I sit back and wish I could also be celebrating the woman who gave birth to me... MY mom.
While my mom wasn't a perfect mom, she had a lot of love in her heart. That is an admirable trait in a person. She was probably one of the most giving people I've ever known in my entire life. She absolutely loved helping people in need and seeing their face light up with delight when she was able to give them something they wouldn't have had otherwise... like food in their cabinets or a warm meal. These are some of the things that stick out to me when I remember my mom.
Words can't even begin to describe what I would give to tell her happy mother's day, thank her for her hard work, and to give her a hug, some flowers, and a gift from her grandbabies. But unfortunately that is not my reality.
As hard as it is to choke back the tears when mother's day rolls around, I try to remind myself that my mom wouldn't want me to be sad, she would want me to do the things with my babies that she will never get to do.... to be the mother that she never had the chance to be. This is what I remind myself of when I'm stricken with sadness...
Since my mom died, I have had a handful of wonderful ladies step up to the plate, who have been wonderful mothers to me. I am so grateful to God for these women. They have shown me so much love, and I know my mom would be so happy to know that there were women that opened their hearts to my sister and me ever so willingly. Those are the women I celebrate on Mother's day.
I do hope that everyone has a wonderful mother's day, and that you all get the chance to enjoy a little time with the moms in your life, wether it be your mom, or another mom! God bless, and happy mother's day!
Here are a couple pictures of my mom and me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The things my son says...
Today while attempting to potty train, Joey was in the bathroom while I went to check on dinner. I came back to find he had locked me out of the bathroom. Here is our conversation.
Me: Joey, unlock the door please. Joey, do it now!!
Joey: Oh, haha, so sorry mommy. So sorry!! Haha
Me: Joey, open the door right now.
Joey: Mommy, stinky!! I stinky!! haha Sorry mommy!! Haha!!
Me: UGH Joey open the door!!!
*Unlocks the door*
Joey: Haha sorry mommy. Sorry mommy!! Haha
At dinner he decided he wanted to talk to Grampa, so he proceeded in having a pretend conversation with Grampa via toy phone.
Joey: Hi gampa, uh huh, yeah. I stinky. Gampa I stinky. Yeah. Oh gosh! Gampa, gampa, gampa!! OH!! Uhhhh yeah I stinky!! Alright. Alright. okay. Alright. I love you. Bye Gampa.
I love my silly boy. haha
Me: Joey, unlock the door please. Joey, do it now!!
Joey: Oh, haha, so sorry mommy. So sorry!! Haha
Me: Joey, open the door right now.
Joey: Mommy, stinky!! I stinky!! haha Sorry mommy!! Haha!!
Me: UGH Joey open the door!!!
*Unlocks the door*
Joey: Haha sorry mommy. Sorry mommy!! Haha
At dinner he decided he wanted to talk to Grampa, so he proceeded in having a pretend conversation with Grampa via toy phone.
Joey: Hi gampa, uh huh, yeah. I stinky. Gampa I stinky. Yeah. Oh gosh! Gampa, gampa, gampa!! OH!! Uhhhh yeah I stinky!! Alright. Alright. okay. Alright. I love you. Bye Gampa.
I love my silly boy. haha
Friday, February 17, 2012
Faith, hope, and loss.
So, not all of my posts are pregnancy related. This is one of them. What I'm about to share is very very personal, and it's not something I've talked about with a lot of people. I've been through years of therapy after some very traumatic events in my life, and my current and very amazing counselor told me that sharing may be a helpful form of therapy as well as closure... So here I go. *Word vomit alert!*
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, and every person is different thus causing everyone to handle things differently and react to things differently. What one person may find traumatic, another may not. However, being that there are so many degrees and drastic differences between life traumas, trauma is still trauma when it affects a person's life. This means mental stability, physical stability, emotional stability, or even spiritual stability. There are so many things that can change in a persons life... but the best part about it is that even when things truly suck and you feel like you've hit rock bottom, God is always stable. He is always there, and He will never leave you. Even when you feel like you can't do it and you can't move on, or you choose not to walk with Him because you're angry at Him, He is a gracious God and His love for you will always prevail.
Although I'm only 23, I've experienced a wide array of events in my life. A lot of bad, and a lot of good! It could have always been worse for me... but it wasn't. God has given me what I can handle. For that, I am eternally grateful. I haven't always handled things beautifully and graciously, but that's because I'm human and I am by nature, a sinner.
I am in no way trying to get my "preacher" hat on, but that's simply because my walk with God has been a roller coaster. I've always felt His presence in my life, but I've not always followed Him or listened to Him. However, He's never failed me and He's always been there to carry me when I couldn't go any further.
The first time he carried me through difficult times was with my dad. My dad couldn't have been a better father. He loved me unconditionally, and I was not his biological daughter. I never considered that though. He was my dad, and I was his daughter. That's all there was to it in my mind. He made me feel like a princess and I will never forget that. Every girl needs to feel that at some point in her childhood.
When I was ten (in 1998), my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. Actually, he had a lot of cancers. I don't even know the full extent of it as I was not quite old enough to understand it all. I just knew that cancer meant an untimely death.
It wasn't long before my father passed away. He passed roughly two months after we all found out he was sick. It was shocking, and fast... yet so slow. Each day he grew sicker and weaker. But the good part about it all, was even though I was there to witness him succumbing to cancer, I still could only see my dad in the way he was before the cancer. I think that this knowledge would comfort him. As a parent now, I surely would never want my kids to see me that way, or remember me like that in my last days. It's amazing how gracious God is when he forms a child's mind... perhaps it was a coping mechanism. Regardless, I still remember him before it all and that's what counts.
It's hard when you lose a parent as a child. You're old enough to understand that you've lost a parent, but you're still too young to understand how.
I'm honestly not sure which is worse. Knowing you are about to lose someone you love at any moment, or having them taken away from you suddenly and swiftly... before there's even any time to think about it or react.
Unfortunately I've experienced both. Three years later my life was turned upside down yet again.
On October 16th 2001, I experienced what seemed like a horrible nightmare. I came home from school and my mom was sleeping. She came home early from work because she was too sick to finish her shift. Randy (my mom's fiance) was home and greeted my sister and me when we got off the bus. The afternoon carried on like usual. We did homework, watched our afternoon tv shows, and ate dinner. I still remember the events that unfolded next fairly vividly in my head.
Randy ran into my moms bedroom quickly and very suddenly. My sister was upstairs playing in her room completely oblivious. I thank God for this. Randy ran out and told me to call 911. I had no idea why, I just did it. He was on the phone with dispatchers and I just remember walking in cautiously as I had no idea what was wrong with my mom. All I will say is that I saw her, and it was clear to me that she was gone. It truly amazes me that when a person dies, you can literally see that their spirit is gone and no longer within the confines of their body.
At some point, Randy was able to call our neighbor, Lorraine. She was a nurse, and we were fairly close with her family. She showed up quickly without hesitation. I will never forget the look on her face as she burst in the door. She was a hero to me that day. I was relieved to see her (and her husband Eric). I felt a sense of security and stability in the unthinkable situation I was in.
I quickly found myself whisked away as paramedics, fire fighters and all sorts of emergency responders arrived. I don't know when or how, but I ended up on the outside looking in as Eric took my sister and me back to their house away from the scene.
Medics were able to revive my mom. It took a few tries from what I've been told, but they did. Unfortunately though, my mom had been oxygen deprived for such a long time that she could no longer think or function as a normal human being.
The next day, my sister and I went to school and tried to retain that last little bit of normalcy that remained in our lives. I got to school, and was immediately embraced by one of my best friends, Kara. I couldn't even choke out the words to say to her. She was very close to my mom, and naturally felt deep concern and desperation as she tried to find out what had happened. I couldn't talk to anybody. Everybody looked at me, and everybody wanted to know.
I don't remember much of that day... or the days that followed. Just bits and pieces. I think I spent most of my time at the hospital holding on to the tiniest bit of hope I still had. I was in an awkward place in my life. At 13, I was able to understand what was happening, but I just couldn't process it as an adult would. I went through so many emotions at that point in time. Hope, frustration, anger, sadness, and even physical pain as my heart ached so badly. I remember walking the halls of the hospital trying to think things out... it didn't work. I just walked and walked and walked and walked. Every so often I would go back and sit by my mom's side, beg for a miracle, and beg her to wake up. I don't even know how long I was at the hospital. I do know I stayed a night.. maybe two. I can't even be sure.
A few days later, my family had to make the one decision that nobody should ever have to make. Prolong my mother's life as long as possible even though there was no hope of her regaining any kind of brain function, or discontinue the life support and let her go.
We let her go.
After the nurses unplugged the machines and took out all the tubes and IV's, a select few of us were allowed to enter the room and sit by her side as her body shut down. As I reflect on those last moments with her, I can't honestly say who was there with me. I don't know. It was such a blur at that point I can't even be sure I'm giving accurate details to this story. I just remember holding her hand and feeling the thickness in the air. It felt like overwhelming amounts of love and support mixed with intense pain and sorrow. I held her hand the whole time. I remember watching the monitor hoping that by the grace of God her heart would just pick up and keep beating. It got slower and slower until it stopped completely. Hearing her take her last breath, and the sound as she flat lined were probably the worst sounds I've ever heard. At the same time, it was somewhat affirming to me. After a minute or so, the nurse graciously turned off the monitor. There was no need to remind us that she was gone... It was obvious. I had already been by her side to witness it twice. I don't even know how long it was before we had to leave. I just knew I didn't want to because that meant it was time to take that first step towards moving on. I wasn't ready... but is anyone ever ready to move on?
Both of my parents were now gone. I had no idea where I was going to go next. As a child, there's nothing worse after tremendous loss than feeling the insecurity of not knowing who is going to care for you next.
Time went by and I stayed with Randy for a short while longer. Things got rocky as my family tried to deal with everything after my mom passed. It's never easy for a family to figure things out. There's always a lot of turmoil and tension when tragedy hits.
After the dust settled, my sister went to live with my aunt Lynne, and I went to live with my aunt Lorraine. Despite the fact that my WHOLE family did a lot of grieving, and a lot of unfortunate events took place when I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, I'm truly grateful to them and they are so very dear to me. I love them so very deeply, but it just wasn't the place God had in store for me. I needed to be with my sister because God had another path for me there.
God has gotten me through so much in my life, and I am so grateful for Him. Although I've not been a perfect person, and I've had my falling outs with God, He still loves me and still provides for me. He meets every need I have and I couldn't be more blessed with where I'm at now. I have a beautiful family of my own, and family on both sides that love me dearly and support me in everything I do. I could not be more grateful for them.
I did not write this to receive pity or any kind of sympathy. I simply decided that it was time to share my life experiences, and to share how God has carried me through all of my life's trials and tribulations. I do not want sympathy, only a hearing heart to take in my story and for all my readers to remember who they are in Christ no matter where they've been in life. I am finally at a place now where I am happy to talk about my mom and what happened to her. I am happy to talk about my dad and his hard fight with cancer. When it comes up, it no longer pains me to the point that I have to change the conversation so I don't have to face reality.
If any one of you ever find yourself in a similar situation, perhaps this Bible verse will help you as much as it has helped me throughout the years. I have found myself referring back to this verse many many times throughout the years... I feel like everyone who delves into Gods word has some sort of go-to verse, so here's mine:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."- Isaiah 41:10
God bless, all of you!
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, and every person is different thus causing everyone to handle things differently and react to things differently. What one person may find traumatic, another may not. However, being that there are so many degrees and drastic differences between life traumas, trauma is still trauma when it affects a person's life. This means mental stability, physical stability, emotional stability, or even spiritual stability. There are so many things that can change in a persons life... but the best part about it is that even when things truly suck and you feel like you've hit rock bottom, God is always stable. He is always there, and He will never leave you. Even when you feel like you can't do it and you can't move on, or you choose not to walk with Him because you're angry at Him, He is a gracious God and His love for you will always prevail.
Although I'm only 23, I've experienced a wide array of events in my life. A lot of bad, and a lot of good! It could have always been worse for me... but it wasn't. God has given me what I can handle. For that, I am eternally grateful. I haven't always handled things beautifully and graciously, but that's because I'm human and I am by nature, a sinner.
I am in no way trying to get my "preacher" hat on, but that's simply because my walk with God has been a roller coaster. I've always felt His presence in my life, but I've not always followed Him or listened to Him. However, He's never failed me and He's always been there to carry me when I couldn't go any further.
The first time he carried me through difficult times was with my dad. My dad couldn't have been a better father. He loved me unconditionally, and I was not his biological daughter. I never considered that though. He was my dad, and I was his daughter. That's all there was to it in my mind. He made me feel like a princess and I will never forget that. Every girl needs to feel that at some point in her childhood.
When I was ten (in 1998), my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. Actually, he had a lot of cancers. I don't even know the full extent of it as I was not quite old enough to understand it all. I just knew that cancer meant an untimely death.
It wasn't long before my father passed away. He passed roughly two months after we all found out he was sick. It was shocking, and fast... yet so slow. Each day he grew sicker and weaker. But the good part about it all, was even though I was there to witness him succumbing to cancer, I still could only see my dad in the way he was before the cancer. I think that this knowledge would comfort him. As a parent now, I surely would never want my kids to see me that way, or remember me like that in my last days. It's amazing how gracious God is when he forms a child's mind... perhaps it was a coping mechanism. Regardless, I still remember him before it all and that's what counts.
It's hard when you lose a parent as a child. You're old enough to understand that you've lost a parent, but you're still too young to understand how.
I'm honestly not sure which is worse. Knowing you are about to lose someone you love at any moment, or having them taken away from you suddenly and swiftly... before there's even any time to think about it or react.
Unfortunately I've experienced both. Three years later my life was turned upside down yet again.
On October 16th 2001, I experienced what seemed like a horrible nightmare. I came home from school and my mom was sleeping. She came home early from work because she was too sick to finish her shift. Randy (my mom's fiance) was home and greeted my sister and me when we got off the bus. The afternoon carried on like usual. We did homework, watched our afternoon tv shows, and ate dinner. I still remember the events that unfolded next fairly vividly in my head.
Randy ran into my moms bedroom quickly and very suddenly. My sister was upstairs playing in her room completely oblivious. I thank God for this. Randy ran out and told me to call 911. I had no idea why, I just did it. He was on the phone with dispatchers and I just remember walking in cautiously as I had no idea what was wrong with my mom. All I will say is that I saw her, and it was clear to me that she was gone. It truly amazes me that when a person dies, you can literally see that their spirit is gone and no longer within the confines of their body.
At some point, Randy was able to call our neighbor, Lorraine. She was a nurse, and we were fairly close with her family. She showed up quickly without hesitation. I will never forget the look on her face as she burst in the door. She was a hero to me that day. I was relieved to see her (and her husband Eric). I felt a sense of security and stability in the unthinkable situation I was in.
I quickly found myself whisked away as paramedics, fire fighters and all sorts of emergency responders arrived. I don't know when or how, but I ended up on the outside looking in as Eric took my sister and me back to their house away from the scene.
Medics were able to revive my mom. It took a few tries from what I've been told, but they did. Unfortunately though, my mom had been oxygen deprived for such a long time that she could no longer think or function as a normal human being.
The next day, my sister and I went to school and tried to retain that last little bit of normalcy that remained in our lives. I got to school, and was immediately embraced by one of my best friends, Kara. I couldn't even choke out the words to say to her. She was very close to my mom, and naturally felt deep concern and desperation as she tried to find out what had happened. I couldn't talk to anybody. Everybody looked at me, and everybody wanted to know.
I don't remember much of that day... or the days that followed. Just bits and pieces. I think I spent most of my time at the hospital holding on to the tiniest bit of hope I still had. I was in an awkward place in my life. At 13, I was able to understand what was happening, but I just couldn't process it as an adult would. I went through so many emotions at that point in time. Hope, frustration, anger, sadness, and even physical pain as my heart ached so badly. I remember walking the halls of the hospital trying to think things out... it didn't work. I just walked and walked and walked and walked. Every so often I would go back and sit by my mom's side, beg for a miracle, and beg her to wake up. I don't even know how long I was at the hospital. I do know I stayed a night.. maybe two. I can't even be sure.
A few days later, my family had to make the one decision that nobody should ever have to make. Prolong my mother's life as long as possible even though there was no hope of her regaining any kind of brain function, or discontinue the life support and let her go.
We let her go.
After the nurses unplugged the machines and took out all the tubes and IV's, a select few of us were allowed to enter the room and sit by her side as her body shut down. As I reflect on those last moments with her, I can't honestly say who was there with me. I don't know. It was such a blur at that point I can't even be sure I'm giving accurate details to this story. I just remember holding her hand and feeling the thickness in the air. It felt like overwhelming amounts of love and support mixed with intense pain and sorrow. I held her hand the whole time. I remember watching the monitor hoping that by the grace of God her heart would just pick up and keep beating. It got slower and slower until it stopped completely. Hearing her take her last breath, and the sound as she flat lined were probably the worst sounds I've ever heard. At the same time, it was somewhat affirming to me. After a minute or so, the nurse graciously turned off the monitor. There was no need to remind us that she was gone... It was obvious. I had already been by her side to witness it twice. I don't even know how long it was before we had to leave. I just knew I didn't want to because that meant it was time to take that first step towards moving on. I wasn't ready... but is anyone ever ready to move on?
Both of my parents were now gone. I had no idea where I was going to go next. As a child, there's nothing worse after tremendous loss than feeling the insecurity of not knowing who is going to care for you next.
Time went by and I stayed with Randy for a short while longer. Things got rocky as my family tried to deal with everything after my mom passed. It's never easy for a family to figure things out. There's always a lot of turmoil and tension when tragedy hits.
After the dust settled, my sister went to live with my aunt Lynne, and I went to live with my aunt Lorraine. Despite the fact that my WHOLE family did a lot of grieving, and a lot of unfortunate events took place when I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, I'm truly grateful to them and they are so very dear to me. I love them so very deeply, but it just wasn't the place God had in store for me. I needed to be with my sister because God had another path for me there.
God has gotten me through so much in my life, and I am so grateful for Him. Although I've not been a perfect person, and I've had my falling outs with God, He still loves me and still provides for me. He meets every need I have and I couldn't be more blessed with where I'm at now. I have a beautiful family of my own, and family on both sides that love me dearly and support me in everything I do. I could not be more grateful for them.
I did not write this to receive pity or any kind of sympathy. I simply decided that it was time to share my life experiences, and to share how God has carried me through all of my life's trials and tribulations. I do not want sympathy, only a hearing heart to take in my story and for all my readers to remember who they are in Christ no matter where they've been in life. I am finally at a place now where I am happy to talk about my mom and what happened to her. I am happy to talk about my dad and his hard fight with cancer. When it comes up, it no longer pains me to the point that I have to change the conversation so I don't have to face reality.
If any one of you ever find yourself in a similar situation, perhaps this Bible verse will help you as much as it has helped me throughout the years. I have found myself referring back to this verse many many times throughout the years... I feel like everyone who delves into Gods word has some sort of go-to verse, so here's mine:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."- Isaiah 41:10
God bless, all of you!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
More Business of Being Born: VBAC
So, as a normal healthy birth advocate, I feel it's necessary to bring up some things that people don't talk about. It is a controversial issue.... the issue of VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I was recently watching More Business of Being Born, and they have a whole DVD devoted to VBAC. I was absolutely astounded by the information that was presented. It inspired me and I feel the need to share my thoughts on it.
*Just a quick note, I DO NOT judge women who have had cesareans (wether necessary or not) or women who choose to have a repeat cesarean. I understand that sometimes it is absolutely medically necessary to have a cesarean, and there are times when women do not want to attempt a VBAC or they are simply not a good candidate for a VBAC. Whatever the reason, I am in no way judging anybody. I am simply putting the information out there as something to think about... it's a very serious topic, and women need to know what options they have, and if they are a good candidate for a VBAC.*
As an aspiring birth doula, empowerment is my big thing... my "mantra" if you will... So naturally, I feel it's necessary that women feel empowered when they give birth, no matter which road they take. Women generally have an idea or vision of how they want their birth to go. Some of these visions may look like this: labor starts, pack the car, get to hospital and settle into the hospital room, labor beautifully with family and friends by your side (or just hubs and hospital staff), give birth either naturally or medicated to a beautiful baby and live happily ever after. I may be wrong, but I feel like unless a c-section is planned, most women probably don't go in expecting for their delivery to end with a cesarean. Just a thought...
Anyway, there are many reasons for this ridiculous rise in cesareans. Legal risks being the number one reason in my opinion. Dr.'s have to protect themselves from medical malpractice suits, so naturally they make the best decision they see fit for you and your baby should there be a medical emergency. But there are times when this is taken a little too far, and it's sad that Dr.'s have to walk on eggshells trying to do their jobs, but this is the reality. Dr.'s might deem your pelvis too small to birth a baby, or perhaps you've gone over your allotted "time limit," or maybe you've simply been pushing for too long or your baby is just "too big"... whatever the reason, women sometimes feel bullied into the OR. I have never had a cesarean, and hope to God that I never do, but this is just what I'm getting from the women that I've spoken to who have had cesareans and they don't know "why" or aren't sure they were sectioned for a valid reason.
It's just tough to say, and as humans we love to point fingers and pick out people to blame. I feel like nobody is really to blame but the people who invoke the fear into medical professionals... Really that's what it comes down to in my opinion. Why can't we just let Dr.'s be Dr.'s and let women be women and let them birth babies the way they want to? If only it were that easy.
Birth is normal and it's sad that when a woman chooses to have a VBAC it turns into this crazy situation that should never be treated anything but normal in the first place. At the end of MBOBB (More Business of Being Born... I'm going to use the acronym from here on out) they posted this little and very interesting tidbit: In 2010, ACOG (American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology) revised their Practice Bulletin, stating that more women should be considered appropriate candidates for VBAC including women with two previous cesareans and women carrying twins. Why is it still so difficult for women to have a VBAC?
Let's explore this a little bit... women who go to the Dr. during their subsequent pregnancy (or pregnancies) and present the desire for a VBAC either receive full support with a nice little disclaimer, or their Dr.'s simply won't even entertain the idea. (Some Dr.'s would love to allow VBAC's, but their insurance simply won't cover them during VBAC if they allow their patients to have one). Here's the disclaimer: You may attempt a VBAC but just know that there's a chance that your uterus will rupture killing both you and your baby. Okay... so lets take a look at these numbers. The risk of catastrophic uterine rupture is less than one percent. According to Pamela Paul, a journalist interviewed in MBOBB, only 1 in 2000 VBAC's result in catastrophic uterine rupture (meaning that mom dies, baby dies, or both die). 1 in 100 cases of uterine rupture aren't even discovered until after the fact... meaning it's literally just a tiny tear in the uterus. So let's go back to the first stat... 1 in 2000 VBAC's result in catastrophic uterine rupture... Did you know that the risk of killing a baby doing an amniocentesis is way higher than having catastrophic results from a VBAC? Yeah.. neither did I because women do them ALL THE TIME. Pamela Paul stated that the risk of fetal death from an amnio is 1 in 200-400 cases. WAYYYY higher than a bad outcome from a VBAC. Just something to think about....
Just a few other interesting tidbits: According to Pamela Paul, in the 1990's VBAC rates went up to as high as 28%. Today, 8% attempt a VBAC, and about 75% of those who make an attempt have a successful VBAC. That's a large number of successful VBAC's!! However, 90% of pregnant women just go for a repeat c-section. So then if you look at the risks of having a repeat c-section, it just gets worse with every cesarean. It's just crazy. Just to spare any of you moms out there reading this who have had more than one section, or are going in for another even after two or more previous sections, I will not include the horrifying risks that increase after each section. I will say, that in the last 30 years placenta accreta has increased 30 fold. You can research it on your own if you like, this information is courtesy of MBOBB and from what they've conveyed about it, this is a life threatening condition.
So given these statistics and given that even in the best of circumstances, why is it so hard to get a VBAC? Hospitals can handle all sorts of traumas but not a VBAC? Something really needs to happen here because in my opinion this just goes all the way back to medical malpractice insurance dictating the way Dr.'s can practice and I think that is just plain wrong. Maybe I'm wrong or my information is off, but that's just the way I see it. Women need to have the opportunity to have the birth they desire, and Dr.'s need to be able to practice medicine without fear of being held liable for something that should be considered completely normal and natural. As stated by Dr. Stuart Fishbein, OB/GYN, they're trying to prevent bad outcomes by preventing choice. He also noted that of women who have a successful VBAC, the complication rate for mothers is less than repeat c-section. Interesting thought.
As far as those women who do suffer catastrophic results from VBAC, I think it's important to note wether or not that woman was a good candidate. According to Dr. Suzanne Gilberg-Lenz, OB/GYN, women who had a breech baby and had a c-section, or women who had ruptured their membranes at 36 weeks and ended up with a c-section are actually very good candidates. Again, very interesting.
What's important here is that it is crucial that women think about this before they get pushed into a decision they may regret later. Women do have options in most cases, and they need to look into them. A lot of midwives will accept VBAC clients... but ultimately, all of this information is useless if the expectant mother does not have the desire to VBAC. That's totally okay!! Some women are totally fine with doing repeat c-sections and that is just fine. BUT, the fact of the matter is, women who want to VBAC and do things as naturally as possible, should have the right to do so or at least be given the opportunity to try if they are deemed a good candidate. And again, I can't stress this enough, a woman needs to have a whole hearted desire to VBAC. This is the only way she will be given an opportunity or even have a slightest chance at success.
I'm going to make one last little note here... I had absolutely NO intention of scaring the wits out of anyone who decided to read this, so I left out a few things that weren't completely necessary to include because I feel like anyone researching this topic would know about all of the scary complications from cesareans. I just learned all of this as I watched More Business of Being Born and I felt the need to put it out there. I know a lot of women who've had c-sections and I doubt they knew any of this information or even thought they may have any options for their next delivery/deliveries. (If you did happen to know all of this information, that's fabulous I'm glad you did your research!!). If I upset you, I apologize. If my facts are wrong, please feel free to correct me. I'm always interest in learning the facts, but from what I've read and researched on my own, I've really come to trust the information in the Business of Being Born documentaries. I recommend them to everyone!! Again, my apologies to anyone who may find anything in my blog offensive. I just really felt it on my heart to lay this all out. :)
*Just a quick note, I DO NOT judge women who have had cesareans (wether necessary or not) or women who choose to have a repeat cesarean. I understand that sometimes it is absolutely medically necessary to have a cesarean, and there are times when women do not want to attempt a VBAC or they are simply not a good candidate for a VBAC. Whatever the reason, I am in no way judging anybody. I am simply putting the information out there as something to think about... it's a very serious topic, and women need to know what options they have, and if they are a good candidate for a VBAC.*
As an aspiring birth doula, empowerment is my big thing... my "mantra" if you will... So naturally, I feel it's necessary that women feel empowered when they give birth, no matter which road they take. Women generally have an idea or vision of how they want their birth to go. Some of these visions may look like this: labor starts, pack the car, get to hospital and settle into the hospital room, labor beautifully with family and friends by your side (or just hubs and hospital staff), give birth either naturally or medicated to a beautiful baby and live happily ever after. I may be wrong, but I feel like unless a c-section is planned, most women probably don't go in expecting for their delivery to end with a cesarean. Just a thought...
Anyway, there are many reasons for this ridiculous rise in cesareans. Legal risks being the number one reason in my opinion. Dr.'s have to protect themselves from medical malpractice suits, so naturally they make the best decision they see fit for you and your baby should there be a medical emergency. But there are times when this is taken a little too far, and it's sad that Dr.'s have to walk on eggshells trying to do their jobs, but this is the reality. Dr.'s might deem your pelvis too small to birth a baby, or perhaps you've gone over your allotted "time limit," or maybe you've simply been pushing for too long or your baby is just "too big"... whatever the reason, women sometimes feel bullied into the OR. I have never had a cesarean, and hope to God that I never do, but this is just what I'm getting from the women that I've spoken to who have had cesareans and they don't know "why" or aren't sure they were sectioned for a valid reason.
It's just tough to say, and as humans we love to point fingers and pick out people to blame. I feel like nobody is really to blame but the people who invoke the fear into medical professionals... Really that's what it comes down to in my opinion. Why can't we just let Dr.'s be Dr.'s and let women be women and let them birth babies the way they want to? If only it were that easy.
Birth is normal and it's sad that when a woman chooses to have a VBAC it turns into this crazy situation that should never be treated anything but normal in the first place. At the end of MBOBB (More Business of Being Born... I'm going to use the acronym from here on out) they posted this little and very interesting tidbit: In 2010, ACOG (American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology) revised their Practice Bulletin, stating that more women should be considered appropriate candidates for VBAC including women with two previous cesareans and women carrying twins. Why is it still so difficult for women to have a VBAC?
Let's explore this a little bit... women who go to the Dr. during their subsequent pregnancy (or pregnancies) and present the desire for a VBAC either receive full support with a nice little disclaimer, or their Dr.'s simply won't even entertain the idea. (Some Dr.'s would love to allow VBAC's, but their insurance simply won't cover them during VBAC if they allow their patients to have one). Here's the disclaimer: You may attempt a VBAC but just know that there's a chance that your uterus will rupture killing both you and your baby. Okay... so lets take a look at these numbers. The risk of catastrophic uterine rupture is less than one percent. According to Pamela Paul, a journalist interviewed in MBOBB, only 1 in 2000 VBAC's result in catastrophic uterine rupture (meaning that mom dies, baby dies, or both die). 1 in 100 cases of uterine rupture aren't even discovered until after the fact... meaning it's literally just a tiny tear in the uterus. So let's go back to the first stat... 1 in 2000 VBAC's result in catastrophic uterine rupture... Did you know that the risk of killing a baby doing an amniocentesis is way higher than having catastrophic results from a VBAC? Yeah.. neither did I because women do them ALL THE TIME. Pamela Paul stated that the risk of fetal death from an amnio is 1 in 200-400 cases. WAYYYY higher than a bad outcome from a VBAC. Just something to think about....
Just a few other interesting tidbits: According to Pamela Paul, in the 1990's VBAC rates went up to as high as 28%. Today, 8% attempt a VBAC, and about 75% of those who make an attempt have a successful VBAC. That's a large number of successful VBAC's!! However, 90% of pregnant women just go for a repeat c-section. So then if you look at the risks of having a repeat c-section, it just gets worse with every cesarean. It's just crazy. Just to spare any of you moms out there reading this who have had more than one section, or are going in for another even after two or more previous sections, I will not include the horrifying risks that increase after each section. I will say, that in the last 30 years placenta accreta has increased 30 fold. You can research it on your own if you like, this information is courtesy of MBOBB and from what they've conveyed about it, this is a life threatening condition.
So given these statistics and given that even in the best of circumstances, why is it so hard to get a VBAC? Hospitals can handle all sorts of traumas but not a VBAC? Something really needs to happen here because in my opinion this just goes all the way back to medical malpractice insurance dictating the way Dr.'s can practice and I think that is just plain wrong. Maybe I'm wrong or my information is off, but that's just the way I see it. Women need to have the opportunity to have the birth they desire, and Dr.'s need to be able to practice medicine without fear of being held liable for something that should be considered completely normal and natural. As stated by Dr. Stuart Fishbein, OB/GYN, they're trying to prevent bad outcomes by preventing choice. He also noted that of women who have a successful VBAC, the complication rate for mothers is less than repeat c-section. Interesting thought.
As far as those women who do suffer catastrophic results from VBAC, I think it's important to note wether or not that woman was a good candidate. According to Dr. Suzanne Gilberg-Lenz, OB/GYN, women who had a breech baby and had a c-section, or women who had ruptured their membranes at 36 weeks and ended up with a c-section are actually very good candidates. Again, very interesting.
What's important here is that it is crucial that women think about this before they get pushed into a decision they may regret later. Women do have options in most cases, and they need to look into them. A lot of midwives will accept VBAC clients... but ultimately, all of this information is useless if the expectant mother does not have the desire to VBAC. That's totally okay!! Some women are totally fine with doing repeat c-sections and that is just fine. BUT, the fact of the matter is, women who want to VBAC and do things as naturally as possible, should have the right to do so or at least be given the opportunity to try if they are deemed a good candidate. And again, I can't stress this enough, a woman needs to have a whole hearted desire to VBAC. This is the only way she will be given an opportunity or even have a slightest chance at success.
I'm going to make one last little note here... I had absolutely NO intention of scaring the wits out of anyone who decided to read this, so I left out a few things that weren't completely necessary to include because I feel like anyone researching this topic would know about all of the scary complications from cesareans. I just learned all of this as I watched More Business of Being Born and I felt the need to put it out there. I know a lot of women who've had c-sections and I doubt they knew any of this information or even thought they may have any options for their next delivery/deliveries. (If you did happen to know all of this information, that's fabulous I'm glad you did your research!!). If I upset you, I apologize. If my facts are wrong, please feel free to correct me. I'm always interest in learning the facts, but from what I've read and researched on my own, I've really come to trust the information in the Business of Being Born documentaries. I recommend them to everyone!! Again, my apologies to anyone who may find anything in my blog offensive. I just really felt it on my heart to lay this all out. :)
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