Grief. Such a profound word.. and so undefinable. It's so many different things to so many different people.
I'm finding myself pondering the meaning of that word as the anniversary of my fathers death has come and gone, and the anniversary of my mother's death is rapidly approaching. What does it really mean to grieve over someone? What does it look like? How should it feel?
It's been 14 years since my dad died and 11 since my mom died and I still have not yet figured that one out. I probably never will. But I do know one thing... there is no right way, and there is no true definition to that word. Grief is unique to everyone. Anyone who has experienced trauma, loss, heartache... they all experience grief and all its different forms.
I've never really been able to identify all the parts of the grief cycle I've been on, because I've been on a lot of them multiple times. Lately, I have started noticing myself becoming increasingly emotional, reclusive, irritable, overwhelmed, and even kind of sickish... it got me thinking, and I realized that these are things I experience every year at this time.
One thing that people need to understand about grief, is that even when many years pass after a traumatic experience or the loss of a loved one, the sting never goes away. There's always a tender spot left in place of that one situation, thing or person you grieve for.
That tender spot for me is a little extra tender in one particular area.. I struggle with thinking about the "what-ifs"... What If my parents were still here? What would it have been like to see my parents with their grandkids? I know my parents would love my husband and I wish they could have met him. I always wonder what it would have been like to have my dad give me away at my wedding, or to have my mom by my side at the births of my children. Would the birth of my son have played out differently if she were there too? What I wouldn't give to have seen her face as she witnessed her grandchildren take their first breaths.
Those are tough things to swallow... But the more time I spend praying for peace in my heart, processing the happenings, and reflecting on things that I wish I could have had, the closer I get to accepting the things that have happened and the things I cannot change.
Honestly, that's all anyone can do.. is pray. God will heal all hearts and make us whole again. He's working in me every day.
Today He gave me a subtle yet beautiful reminder of His amazing love. I was sitting in Bible study, and I can't remember exactly what we were discussing, but something triggered a flashback of the traumatic events that led to my moms death, and I was overwhelmed. I could have lost it and broke down in tears right then and there, but I could almost physically feel the arms of Christ wrapped around me. I was no longer overwhelmed with sadness, but overwhelmed with peace. Jesus loves us deeper than human comprehension, and that is amazing to me. Sometimes the hardships in our life allow for the best opportunity for the Holy Spirit to work in our lives and change our hearts. All of that... it's amazing because we are so undeserving.
Remembering my parents, and clinging to my hope in the Lord.. that's enough. More than enough.
So while I spend this time remembering, sorting through some tender areas, and processing everything, I'm going to be thankful for everything I have, the amazing people I call friends and family, and the many blessings in my life... and I'm going to celebrate. The fact that I've been given all of these things, and that our lives don't have to end here on earth is absolutely incredible... and it's something to celebrate that my parents are with the Lord. That is grace, mercy, and love all in one perfect gift.
I do hope that by reading this you have been blessed by it. Love and many blessings to you dear readers! God bless!
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