20 weeks

A lot has happened this week. My plan for everything went out the window, and honestly I couldn't be more relieved.

After my last visit with the midwife, I had this strange feeling about things... About this birth, about my care... I'm not sure what it was about. But lets just say these last few weeks have been really hard on me emotionally and mentally. For whatever reason, my anxiety level has been through the roof and I've been unable to pinpoint EXACTLY what the cause was. I wasn't sure if maybe the birth center being so close to where my mom died was possibly triggering my PTSD, or if perhaps I just didn't feel it was right for me to be there anymore? I'm not completely sure. But what I did know was that my anxiety was getting out of control. I'm still dealing with it, but I've been praying a lot, talking to God, and trying to decompress my feelings as much as possible.

So, in response to everything I had been feeling and after a lot of thought and a lot of prayer, I decided to switch my care back to my regular OB/GYN. And boy... I let out a huge sigh of relief when I finally got all that out of the way, and I feel even better today since I've been able to go in and talk to my doctor about everything that's been going on. He was so very supportive, and he said that him and his nurse were so excited to have me back. That felt great to hear. I was very worried that my choice to try out something different had hindered my relationship with my doctor and the clinic staff. I truly had a great experience there when I delivered Annabelle, and to top it off my doctor even made it a point to be there and deliver her. That's not something that doctor's do very often. My experience there was satisfying, and empowering. All of my requests were met, everyone was respectful of my wishes, and nobody offered me drugs which was awesome.

Reflecting on my experience at Evergreen, I decided that I really wouldn't mind a repeat of that given all of my anxieties and reservations about the birth center. So, in conclusion to that, I am very glad I made the switch. I have no regrets, and I felt so much better about where I'm delivering my baby. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. At this point as I still deal with some anxiety, I'm just going to try my best to relax, pray, and really try to hear what the Lord has to say to me. This pregnancy has been a huge lesson to me about giving up my fears to Him. I am so far from perfect at this... I struggle daily with fear and anxiety which is NOT of the Lord. I am not to feel this way, but to trust in His plan. So much easier said than done when you're kind of a stubborn control freak... I'll get there some day.

I still whole-heartedly support midwives and their model of care. I think it's a wonderful option for women who want that type of care for a low risk pregnancy, but for some reason it's just not for me, and THAT IS OKAY. I can still have a wonderful birth at the hospital that I like, with a doctor that I like, in the same way that I would choose to deliver at the birth center... a natural unmedicated birth. I know I can do it... I've done it before and I'll do it again.

So, that's my recent change in regards to my pregnancy/birth plan. I am so totally okay with it. I have to go where I feel the most secure and relaxed. That's at Evergreen. As far as baby goes, baby has been doing quite well. I have felt A LOT more kicks lately, and it's wonderful!! I'm loving that!! I also got to see baby kick from outside my belly. That was neat because I have never seen that so early. I believe I was about 21 or 22 weeks before I was able to see Joey kick, and I know I was over 6 months along with Annie before I saw her kicks. This baby is very strong too!!

I've also noticed a lot of braxton hicks contractions, which are totally normal. They might be due to the stress and anxiety I've been feeling lately. I've been trying to rest as much as possible as well as staying very hydrated with water and gatorade. This seems to help, as well as prayer. I have to credit my Bible study that I'm doing right now too. Having something to study and dive into when I need to hear God's holy word has been really helpful to me. I've found a lot of peace in that, and I am so thankful!! Other than that, things seem to be moving right along. Baby is measuring right on schedule and my pregnancy is finally going fairly smoothly at this point... as in right now... today.

SO here's to a smooth, anxiety and stress free pregnancy and delivery. I can't wait to meet this little one, and I do hope everything goes as smoothly as it did with baby's sister. Thanks for reading friends!! God bless!!